I’ve had this Word document open for weeks, okay, months, and every time I open the page, it intimidates me and I end up spending an hour on Facebook…. So, sorry for the extreme lack of blogging. I think it’s because this experience is just so hard to put to words, and I’m worried people won’t believe or appreciate it. Heck, sometimes I don’t even believe it. God has truly blessed me with amazing friends though. When I’ve finally opened up and shared, they have gotten so excited, not for me, but about the awesome God we serve and about how He reveals Himself.
Here is a story about a daughter meeting her Father and the lover of her soul:
On the last night in Las Vegas, we had a “commitment service.” A time to finally pause and think about the work God is doing in our own lives, and to make a commitment to continue ministry as we head home, even if it’s not full-time missions work. At the start of the service, Samuel, the leader, asked us to pray with a partner against anything else going on that would keep us from focusing the rest of the night. A fast friend, Diana, and I both prayed that we wouldn’t be apathetic. We were both so tired and worn out and could have easily fallen asleep during the slower worship songs. Last year, we had two services like this, so I just didn’t care that much because I had already done it. We didn’t want any of that stuff, we wanted to be open and excited and expectant that the Lord would do amazing things in the next few hours.
Starting worship, I easily fell into what I realized was a routine. Singing, closing my eyes once I knew the words, lifting my hands and my head, not always knowing why (if I’m being honest). After the first song, we were asked to find a place in our minds where we’re alone with Jesus. Sometimes, I physically shake my hands to symbolically shake off other things in my life keeping my mind away from the Lord. As I was shaking my hands, I stopped suddenly, and JESUS was in front of me.
Let that soak in.
…
Yeah.
My eyes still closed, tears started streaming down my face, landing in my mouth that was open in the biggest smile I’ve ever made. I questioned if it was just my imagination, but He answered me.
Yeah. With words.
I forget if I’ve already included this previously, but I’m doing it anyways. In the past, God had almost always communicated with me through really strong feelings. I could tell if He was leading me somewhere or to do something by how I felt towards it. Of course, He’s used passages in Scriptures and words in songs, but until that day, I had never literally heard the voice of God. We’d never had a conversation, back and forth, listening and responding, and I had been content with that. I knew that God heard my prayers, but there was always a distance between us. I knew the Holy Spirit lived in me, but, I don’t know, it was like a long distance phone call instead of a coffee date. If that makes sense.
I froze with my arms at my side, hands open and palms facing straight out. He met me there, mirroring my stance so our palms met and our eyes locked. I can’t describe what he looked like, it wasn’t a pure human image, I couldn’t draw a picture of him, but I knew I was looking into his eyes and holding his hands. I stood there, just in pure awe. I couldn’t find words for a while. Eventually, I sputtered words of thanks, praise, and questions of “Why me? I don’t deserve this.” He, on the other hand, was filled with words. So gentle and calm, he told me how much he loved me, that I was precious in his sight, that he desired for me.
I wrote in my journal during the service, “He looks in my eyes, holding my hands in his in front of me. Peace and authority in his eyes. There’s comfort. He’s beautiful. We dance, he leads, I’m his beloved daughter. ‘I love you, my child. I will be with you in fear, but know there is no need to have fear with me. Do not fear. I am here, my daughter, right in front of you. See my face? Hear my voice? I’m always here. Will you stay with me? Do you promise? I wrap my arms around you. Let me embrace you, Caroline, I want to embrace you.’”
As we talk, we also begin to dance. We’re two places at once, but it seems to make perfect sense. We’re in giant ballroom that makes me think of Beauty and the Beast, and I’m wearing a gorgeous, white ball gown with my hair and skin looking absolutely perfect. He doesn’t look like Prince Charming, but He is. We begin to dance and our feet don’t even touch the floor, we’re spinning and twirling around the room. I’m his bride, but also his daughter, and again, it makes perfect sense. He loves us in a way that we can’t even describe sometimes. It was the most magical feeling in the world.
I thought our dancing was just a vision, but when telling my story to the kids in my group, they informed me that I really was dancing, much to their confusion. As a leader from another group said, “I knew something was going on, and there was no way I was going to interfere with whatever you and the Lord were doing.”
Sitting across from Him, my hands still in His, my mind began to wonder how I could stay in this room, with my eyes closed, with Jesus for the rest of my life. How could I tell Chris that I’m not going home? Won’t the YWAM people understand if I sit in the middle of their floor for the next 60 years or so? Can I just shoo them all away with my arms so I can stay with Jesus? I began to pray to Jesus, asking Him not to leave me, pleading with Him to stay with me. He rolls his eyes, “Caroline, I’m staying with you, the question is, will you stay here with me? I decided to give up EVERYTHING for you a long time ago when I was on that cross. There’s no question about it, I’m in this for the long haul. Are you? It’s up to you. Are you going to stay with me?”
“Uh, YES! Didn’t you hear me? I’m not going to open my eyes for a long long time.”
“No, I want all of you. Forever. Can you promise me that?”
Pause.
“I want to, God, I really do, but I don’t know if I can promise that. I have fears, and they overtake me sometimes.”
“Caroline, would you rather be any where else right now?” No. “Can you think of anyone else you’d rather be with right now?” I love my family so much, but at that moment, I would have said I’d never see them again if that’s what it would take to stay with Jesus. “And what is there to fear? I’m holding your hands, looking into your eyes, seriously, what is there to be afraid of? Don’t look to the left or to the right, just look straight ahead at me.”
“Yes, okay, you have all of me, Jesus, forever. I promise.” He wraps me in His arms, and as He does, his spirit physically fills me. I breathe Him into me. Since then, when I’ve felt alone, or like God is in some far-off place, I breathe in and I’m reminded that He left his Holy Spirit with each and every one of us if we accept Him. He lives in me, and can live in you too.
I obviously wasn’t allowed to keep my eyes closed for the rest of my life. That’s not what He wants, he told me. He said that I had to open my eyes because of what we just discussed. Didn’t I want other people to feel the way I did right now? I did. Even people I don’t know, or people I don’t like, I wished they could have this. And they can. I had to open my eyes and leave the room eventually so that I could lead others to that spot with Jesus. The verse I read earlier in the day came back to me. Jesus tells his disciples, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” Jesus called me to love others in the same way he loved me here. His command isn’t just to love people how the world says we can love, but to love like Jesus. To teach, lead, care for, suffer for, and serve everyone.
Heavy, no?
Okay Jesus, now what?
I walked over to a wall sized map of the world expecting to be led to a certain country and then BOOM, I would know what I was supposed to do with the rest of my life.
Instead, I looked at each continent, and said, “Yeah, I could see myself there. Weird.” I asked Jesus, “Where do you want me? Where am I supposed to be?”
To my surprise, he responded with a question. “Why does it matter?”
Ummmmm.
“I’m going to be with you and use you wherever you are. Does it matter where that is?”
No?
“Okay. Seattle or South Africa, I’ll go or stay. Whatever you want of me, it’s yours.”
And then I saw this:
I’m in the desert with another woman, and we’re walking away from something, I don’t know what, or where we’re heading, but we’re definitely leaving. I hold her hand how Jesus held mine earlier. Her skin is covered in ashes, and her hair is messed up, tears have stained her cheeks. As we walk, I gently try to clean her up, and tell her how excited her Father is to see her again, that he can’t wait to meet with her.
Then we’re in this extravagant dressing room in a palace. She and I stand in front of a gold-framed mirror and I zip her into the white ball gown that I wore earlier. Her appearance is still dirty, and she’s sad. I put my hands on her shoulders and tell her how beautiful she is and how her father desires for her, and that it’s almost time to see him.
We walk down a corridor in this beautiful palace, hand in hand like before, and we reach two mahogany doors that extend yards above our heads. I open the door into the ballroom where Jesus and I danced and He’s there waiting for her in the middle of the floor. With my hand on this woman’s back, I whisper in her ear, “There He is, there’s your father, go dance with Him.” She slowly walks to meet him, and as she does, the ashes disappear from her skin, and her skin and hair are made perfect. She doesn’t look back because I don’t matter anymore; all that matters is the two of them. They begin to spin and daces as Jesus and I did and I stand in the open door, leading one woman after another into the room to dance with the lover of their soul. Eventually, the room is filled with couples dancing and twirling and spinning, and I look across the doorway as I continue to usher girl after girl into the room and see my Jesus who says, “Well done, my daughter.”
That is my Las Vegas story. Months (sorry) later I’m still pulling things from it and trying to figure out exactly where I’m supposed to go from there. I am, however, 100% sure it was from the Lord. After the service was done, a youth pastor from another church came up to me and said he had a verse for me. He told me that during the service he felt God point me out and say that he was delighted with me. Then he told this pastor the verse Matthew 5:8. The pastor had never received a verse for someone before but decided to be obedient in sharing it. Want to know what Matthew 5:8 says?
“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will SEE GOD.”
Ha.
Oh Jesus, you sure are funny sometimes.
